Depression is unique to each person living, and dealing, with it. Each of us out here, going through our journey with depression, aren’t the same. We may share similar thoughts, but like snowflakes, we’re all different.
Depression is unique to each person living and dealing with it
Realizing I suffer from depression has been a long journey. Growing up with a strong mother, who truly instilled this insane amount of self esteem into me, I never imagined someone like me would be living with depression. Thanks to movies, and television, I always saw depression as something people suffered from when they came from broken homes. I only understood depression as something people who didn’t have self esteem ended up with.
It’s not the case. I have never thought I wasn’t worthy, and I’ve never not liked who I am. However, even I have depression, and anxiety. How can this be? Honestly, you’d have to ask my therapist. I don’t know how it happens, all I know is what’s going on with me. I suffer from situational depression (which happens to a lot of people,) as well as good old major depression, and a little bit of anxiety thrown in.
What’s this all mean? It means I go through periods of time where I don’t want to be around anyone, not even my kids. Yes, not even my kids. Guess how I realized something was just not right? Me not wanting to take my kids to their activities; the fact that I had to talk myself into picking them up each day at school; and, never attending school functions. Red flags, everywhere. When I HAD to participate in life, I’d put on a smile, and be outgoing, and put on “a show.” When I returned home, I was exhausted and retreated to my room to bury myself under blankets. Blankets hugged me, didn’t ask me why I was tired, or why I was crying. They just accepted me, and my glorious mess of a mind.
What was the final straw to get help?
What was the final straw to get help? To say, out loud “I need help dealing with this shit.” First, I stopped being a mom. I just went through the motions, felt nothing, and Mr. Sunflower took over almost all the parenting duties. I literally dropped the kids off at school, and picked them up. Nothing extra. Ran to my blankets, for safety.
Second, anger. I had no idea all the anger bubbling up from deep inside of me, was a sign of depression. I chalked it up to stress, but it wasn’t the case. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a yeller by nature. However, I was mean now. Just outright vicious, and everything set me off. It was happening every day, most of the day.
Third, food. I didn’t want to eat. I’d go days without eating anything, and lost an insane amount of weight. I love food, and I’d just eat when I felt like I was going to pass out. Definitely not me, at all.
Finally, I didn’t want to see anyone, including my mother. She survived a massive heart attack, and stroke in February of 2016. I was strong, kept my shit together, never faltered, all those months. Then, all of a sudden, I just didn’t want to even see her, or my father. I went from seeing them multiple times a week, to nothing for weeks. Not like me, at all. Family is most important to me.
It was time to find help, because I was already far into my major depression. Before it got to the point where I couldn’t climb out of the darkness, assistance was NECESSARY. Friends were always there to talk to, but a needed professional help.
Strength isn’t about “going it alone”
Understanding strength isn’t always about “going it alone” is a lesson we all need to learn. Strength is knowing when you need help, and are able to accept the help. Accepting, or admitting, I needed help was a very big weight off of my shoulders……but, realizing it was also a sign of strength, is when I finally asked for help. Once I realized I wasn’t “weak” because of my depression, I could breathe a little easier.
As a result, now I feel sharing my journey is necessary.